Confessions

I have a confession to make.

One which I never thought I would ever be saying, never mind admitting to. One which has snuck up upon me over the last year and unlike most confessions, there is no element of guilt, just surprise. At myself and at the turn of events which has brought me here.
Let me then, with no further delay, confess to you dear reader..

I enjoy being a stay at home mom.

There, written it!Admitted it! In full public eye, one cant get more public than displaying it on the Internet, now can one? Now, I know this may not seem like much of a confession, but to me, this is rather a huge one. After believing for many years that I didn't want children, didn't even think it was a slight possibility due to my firm faith in the fact that 'it just wouldn't happen, ever', I am now the proud mama of my beautiful little baby who is fast approaching little girlhood. Wobbly steps, baby language(which I can honestly say, sometimes I think I do understand her various grunts, grumbles , cries and laughter)which is slowly evolving into the English language, clothes that are no longer in the 6-12 month range and a little personality all of her own(with some lashings of her father and myself). So, it happened, and it may not have been planned and it may probably have been one of the most scariest things that I have done(am doing) in my life, but I would not change a thing of the past and the slightly haphazard route I took to get here.

(Interjection here: I am now eating one of Shayne's muffins which was the recipe of the day on her blog. I decided ,at 5.30pm, that what my stomach,mind, heart and soul desired was one of the deliciously moreish looking muffins. I whisked and weighed, measured and poured until the mixture was settled nicely into their muffin cases, chocolate middle included and safely ensconced them in the heated oven. For the required time. Out they came, looking all cooked and slightly cracked on their domed tops, no chocolate chips on these ones though, and waited for them to cool slightly to have at dinner for 'afters'. Alas!they were not cooked, and they had sunken and the chocolate piece in the middle was still in its original shape. Now, I can cook and bake,this is not a new concept for me, but I can officially say that these flopped first time round. After having a second run in the oven, I am glad to say , that they 'may not look like the picture' but they taste pretty damn good anyway. And that is enough for me!)

Back to the original idea of this post, I never would of thought I would enjoy being a mom, never mind a stay at home one. I remember, whilst seeing my ex and having the hypothetical conversation about me falling pregnant, I said to him, I'l have the baby, and you can keep it. Hah, as if that would of ever happened! I also remember days when the actual possibility of falling pregnant were a whole lot less, due to me being a lesbian, the odds outweighing that one, were pretty much nil. But, I digress.

Yes, the days can be long, and sometimes, they feel like two or three rolled up into one. 24 hours multiplied by 3, squashed into one day can be a very long time while I try to entertain a burgeoning one year old. Try to get her to have a nap when it is most conducive to her having a nap(and not an hour before bedtime). Try to get her to try a new food without all the fuss and commotion and spitting out.Try to get to wipe her face and hands after said commotion. Try to change her nappy while her wriggles out manouevre WWF.
Yes, I do get bored somedays and wonder what on earth I am supposed to be doing with my life, bar being a mother and girlfriend.
Yes, I get fed up with the housework and the laundry and the constant picking up of toys.
But, when all that is said and done, I am a sucker for her giggle. One little chase around the lounge I am rewarded with such excitement and joy, laughter that bubbles out from the inside of her very being and always at a time least expected.
The love which continues to grow and blossom inside of me(Ihave to be honest and say,that while I have loved her from day one, it continually surprises me How much love there is in my being for her) and takes joy from seeing her become her own little person, mastering the art of 'being human'.

Yes, I would like to work again, to become more me, or should I say remind myself of that side of me, which is there, just hidden beneath layers of 'mama' and I will. But it will start slowly and part time and eventually the two will be a complete balance that I will honestly be able to say, Iv managed to find the equilibrium. Homeostasis, as they say in anatomy. Homeostasis of my soul.

For now, I enjoy being a stay at home mom.