Take Two

So, I wrote a post, then deleted it, guess I wasn't quite brave enough to put myself out there but I'm going to give it another go...

I was on the F2F site reading sexual skills vs emotional loving and it got me thinking about my sex life. And forgive me for writing about my sex life, but seeing as though its Women's Month and all, I thought, hell, why not? Be brave!

Sex is not something that one should be ashamed about, it is a natural part of a relationship (or should be) and can be a really wonderful part of a relationship. A part where there are no children, work, life getting in the way, just you and your partner sharing intimacy. Sharing space together and remembering why you are together (OK, this is the romanticised version..) and validating each other physically. (Because we are human and we do like validation from our partners).

What then does one do when one is in a relationship where ones partner is not interested in sex?

I am currently in one of those relationships. I have communicated my needs, I have tried to communicate to find out his needs, to figure out why he is not interested. I have not been blessed with an answer. For over a year, we have spoken, or should I say, I have spoken and he has listened. He has said that he will 'try' but alas the 'trying' just doesn't cut it. He is just not interested. Unless of course he has consumed vast amounts of alcohol which loosens his libido (happens to everyone.. lowers inhibitions and all that?) and then of course, he is interested. I went through a stage where I declared 'No Drunken Shags' as I do believe that in a relationship, a shag should be able to be performed sober, and with willingness, Not with an 'I don't want to'.

In 5 months we have had sex 3 times, not for lack of trying on my part, believe me but alas, I fear he does not appear to be interested. So, I stopped the 'No Drunken Shag' rule because I do have needs, and they are not met, at least this way, there is a dim light at the end of the tunnel. We do not have a particularly intimate relationship, we kiss , yes, but none of the all consuming fiery passion filled kisses that are such a joy to partake in, the gentle peck when we say hello, goodbye and goodnight. (I always used to say, I wont be in a relationship where there is no kissing - its my favourite part about the whole thing!)

I did ask him in what way we could rectify the lack of intimacy/kissing/sex conundrum but I still await an answer (apart from ' I will try harder') I don't want someone to try to be interested in a physical relationship with me, if it is there, it should just come naturally, one shouldn't have to force the issue.

I gave various solutions to the problem:
counselling
me having an affair
ending the relationship and focussing on the friendship and raising Bean

Counselling hasn't happened due to lack of funds
I cant be bothered with having an affair due to the threat of STDs and AIDS being rife, having a new person in my life just for sex doesn't work for me as I do require the emotional element(and of course, The Man was having none of this idea, typical really;-))
and the ending of the relationship may happen in due course (that would be from my side) but for now drunken sex occurs on the rare occasion that I allow The Man to indulge in the inebriation side of things. (I have a dislike for regular alcohol drinking as I do believe that life should be lived not in a haze of substances like alcohol).

I do realise that it takes two to tango and I may just not cut it in the attraction stakes, enough to fire up his libido and I also realise that life, stress, having a child and work are great factors in not having a healthy sex life but I still stand by if one is interested and physically attracted to one other, then it really shouldn't be that difficult.

I think the reason I allow drunken shags to occur is that I have now shut myself off from the problem. Something to deal with on another day, when I am feeling stronger and more emotionally stronger to battle with whatever demons may be hidden under the surface.

That is not say that I don't miss having an intimate relationship, I do, but I find that focussing on other things in my life, makes it easier to deal with.