Long Post Incoming

I am pleased to announce that I feel content.

It has been a while since I have felt this way. In fact, the last two years and a bit have been pretty hectic and that may seem like a long time (it is) but that is the way that life panned out.

Today, this moment in fact (apart from feeling rather tired and hungry) I feel pretty happy with my life. With the decisions that I have made, with the life changing events that have certainly changed me and the way that I think.(Or really, I think enhanced certain behaviours and detracted some of the less responsible ones.)

Sit back, relax and let me tell you how it all began....

I was a student at the time my life changed course. In my final year of studying for a diploma in Therapeutic Massage Therapy and really enjoying the use of my brain. The exams, the practicals and the general camaraderie of fellow students was my inspiration to get up in the morning. I loved Mondays as it would be a running morning and Id get to school all endorphined up and raring to learn.It was great and to this day I still miss it.
One weekend I was invited away, by my ex (who I am very pleased to say am still v good friends with, I know 'they' say it doesn't work, but it does) and was introduced to a guy who he knew who he thought would be 'perfect' for me. (I still wonder what on earth he saw in the two of us, to garner that thought without me even having met this stranger). That was when I met The Man.

I was rather taken with him. He enjoyed the same books I did, in fact had read several of them, including most of Tom Robbins, which of course, filled me with absolute glee!He spoke well and about interesting things and even the music he liked was similar. He was sexy, tall and thin and he drank tequila with me. Now, any of you who know me reading this, should remember that at one point in time, I nicknamed myself the 'Tequila Queen', so when The Man ambled up to the ex and I, started drinking tequila with us, I thought, cool!Sexy and drinks tequila.... ( I know, sounds rather lame, but back then, this was a serious thang).

Five months later I found out I was pregnant. While in the UK (Shayne, you'l remember that time...endless phone calls...you being major strength and support team for me, I truly don't know how I would of managed it without you.) I was there for a month in order to pay the last of my studies and I told The Man via sms. I know, call me weak..!
The first thing he said(via sms) was 'Just to let you know, you'l have my support'. Which I thought was a bit perfunctory , but I mean honestly, I had just bolted in from the blue with a life changing statement.

Anyway, moving along swiftly, I returned home, I finished studying (graduated and recieved my diploma), and steadily got bigger and bigger. Being pregnant was amazing and I really enjoyed the experience, apart from feeling like an alien had taken over this body that did once belong to me. The Man and I moved in together four months before I was due and we took to that pretty well, barr for some serious moments.
Bean arrived, 5 days late(she was waiting for my sister to arrive, or, maybe I was just waiting for my sister to arrive) in the comfort of her own home with both Auntie Shayne, Dad and midwife to assist her entrance.

This was when the hard work began. And sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. Till it got to a point that it just wasn't working. I decided to leave The Man, return to the UK, spend some time with my mom so that she could meet my little beauty and figure out what I needed/ wanted for all our sakes.
This was a tough time, I felt like touch and go for pretty much most of the time I spent away, granted it was also a back log of the intensely stressful time since Beans birth that I felt ready to crack, but some mornings I have no idea how I got out of bed. How I got through the day.
The Man and I mailed and chatted and spoke and talked and decided, he came over for Christmas, (and witnessed Beans first steps, on Christmas Day, what a gift!) and then in February we returned home.

Since then its been a bit of a roller coaster ride. For me and I'm sure for The Man too. I am not one to sit silently, if I have a problem I will tell you. If something is not working for me , I tell you. And try to work it out. To figure out the next step. If what I am asking/expecting/ requiring is within the attainable or if not. If I am at peace with decisions that we make. So, I admit, I give him grief and challenge him to grow in areas that needs to be grown into. He has taken up this challenge and the difference in him now compared to a year ago, is vast. He has grown into fatherhood more than I believed possible and the relationship that he and Bean nurture is a wonder to see.
He is growing into a partner too, this I know will take time but the fact that there is a difference, a growth and a belief in this , this is what makes the relationship worth fighting for.

If you had asked me two weeks ago, how I felt about this relationship, I would of said, Not 100% sure, could still leave, not quite working for me. But today, and for the last week, I have suddenly felt settled. I have suddenly realised that I have been focusing on the wrong things. And suddenly realised that The Man loves me (and likes me) for who I am, and for the challenges that I throw his way. Granted, I get challenges sent right back from him, which as I said earlier, in the beginning I wasn't sure I was prepared to take on those challenges, but for some obscure reason, I now am. Its taken me a while to get to this point, this settling, this clear head space. And no, not everything is perfect, but we are working on it. Together.

Hence the reason for writing this, its really for The Man to read (yes, he reads my blog, doesn't ever comment... but certainly reads it) and to see that slowly I am feeling comfortable with us and our relationship and our family. (I really never thought I would have my own family) and since I have been feeling settled, I have been feeling somewhat whimsical. For those of you that read my blog, I'm sure you may have noticed the rather nonsensical posts that I have been writing these past few times...

And so, to the lighter side of life, to the Joy of Socks and Fat Pants. To the eating of chocolate bars and splashing in puddles. To growing and learning.To listening to the moment and

To The Man and Bean, who have brought out the fundamentals of me.